re·viv·al

Where do I even begin?

I haven’t written in over a month letting my gifts  lay dormant. In my current mental state there is no sense of urgency, there is no drive or determination. I’m just living the day to day barely getting by.  I am simply a shell of the person I used to be. Two years ago family and friends would describe me as optimistic, gleeful, ambitious, witty, smiley, etc. However, things have changed.

For the past few months I have been tasked with putting the pieces of my life back together, but I haven’t had the desire to. There was a point when I thought I conquered the worse of anxiety then out of nowhere it hit me like a ton of bricks, depleting me of the energy I worked so hard to obtain.

My mind has become a jumbled mess. I just want a revival. I want to find the strength within myself to improve my current mental standing. Maybe that’s just it, I can’t do it alone. As I flip through my spiritual Rolodex I find myself glancing at Isaiah 40:30-31:

                              Even youth grow tired and weary,
                          and young men stumble and fall;
                              but those who hope in the Lord
                          will renew their strength.
                         They will soar on wings like eagles;
                          they will run and not grow weary,
                           they will walk and not  faint.

According to scripture if I just put my trust in the Lord it will all work out. Call me a skeptic, but that is the hardest thing for me to do. My old self would undoubtedly trust God in all things,after all He never steered me wrong. Right now having hope in the man upstairs doesn’t sound that convincing. I know what you’re thinking, how could someone like me that grew up in the church not easily find refuge in God.

Here is why, on the night of October 24, 2015 I had hope in God that my best friend survived a horrific car accident. I prayed that she would just pick up the phone for me one last time. Then my phone rang, perplexed I answered in a panic. The voice on the other side of the phone said my best friend and three others were identified as the four women who had been killed in an auto accident. My initial thought was that can’t be right, I trusted God and He said if I put my trust in Him everything will work out. Not in this instance, He had other plans.

That’s the tricky part, trusting God through the trials. Its been two years since the accident and I still scramble my mind trying to find the answers. Then I go back to my Rolodex and remember Isaiah 55:8-9:

 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

 

That is how revival occurs, by relinquishing our rights to know why life happens the way it does, doing that makes it much easier to live.

Today’s mantra: I will be revived when I exercise my ability to live life without worry.

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What will this section entail?

Throughout the past two years of my life I’ve encountered chaos like never before. It all started with the death of four friends in an auto accident, followed by the untimely passing of my aunt, then the death of my grandfather proceeded by the suicide of a colleague that rattled my mind.

After these tragedies I found myself plagued by grief, depression and anguish. I didn’t know who or what to turn to for refuge. At the time of my grieving,  I was told to rely on God plus my faith to get me through. While that was a great suggestion, it wasn’t easy to do.  There were many nights that I wished I went in the auto accident with my friends so that I wouldn’t have to experience a life full of pain.  I couldn’t understand why God chose me  to undergo such a challenging season.

Then I realized, why not me! Going through what I’ve went through taught me patience and perseverance.  Everyday isn’t easy but who said life is.

This page will feature your daily pick me up! One thing that has helped me on my healing journey is clearing my mind so that I can bring clarity to my life. It is important to create peace of mind (hence the name of this page) in order to be proactive and productive in your daily life.

Thoughts

Lying awake at night for hours on end, I find myself wondering when I will be able to sleep through the night again.  You see anxious thoughts have a way of keeping your mind awake through the night.  My mind wasn’t always a jumbled mess, but grief has a funny way of knocking the peace out of you. There were days when worrying was the last thing on my mind, but lately it’s consumed my existence. I should know better, with my religious background the worries in my head should all melt away isn’t that what scripture says?

Philippians 4:6-7 reads: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

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Trust me that scripture replays in my head every time I’m plagued by an episode of anxiety. I try to remember that God loves me and won’t put more on me than I can bear, but sometimes it’s unbearable. At times my thoughts are more powerful than my faith. I try to focus on today and let tomorrow workout itself. After all the Bible illustrated it perfectly in Matthew 6:34: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

If that be true why can’t my mind digest it? Why can’t I see past my pain?  At times I wonder if I will ever be the same? Two years ago I was living a beautifully orchestrated life with God at the forefront. I had not a worry in the world. Then an accident claimed the life of my best friend and three other friends.  Guilt stricken, I didn’t understand why out of all the trips we’d taken I decided not to go on this one. Was it something that made my life more special then their’s that they can’t still be here? No! They were the epitome of all that life stood for. They put others before themselves, they saw the best in every living thing, it’s mind boggling. Beware life can change in an instance.

One moment my life is perfect then next perfection is merely a facade.  Just when I thought I’d had enough pain at once, my aunt passed unexpectedly. Racking my brain for answers to life’s uncertainties only made my anxiety worse. At this point I know it can’t get any better, months later I got wind that my grandpa passed from medically related complications.

At this point that’s when numbness settled in. I tried to smile through the pain but couldn’t manage. I said all my prayers and recited scriptures, but the faith wasn’t there. Depression has a funny way of making you want to take a hiatus from existing.  I think that’s what did my colleague in.  Hearing the news of her untimely passing fueled my grief. I get it! Navigating through life with depression, anxiety and PTSD is a daunting task.  It was at this point that I realized I needed help!

In January, I began trauma therapy combined with low dose medicine and yoga. It was with a clear head that I cried out to God letting go of my anger. For two years ,my pain deterred me from my purpose. To be frank, God and religion was the last thing on my mind. I’d go to church, but I wouldn’t listen. Now I see what God is doing, He turned my pain into purpose.  So, today whatever has you mentally bound RELEASE it! It is okay to cry, but weeping endure for a night and joy comes in the morning. I’m not telling you what I heard, this is what I know.

Today’s Mantra: I will turn my pain into purpose!